Kids say the funniest things

Why does everybody hate you, Mr President?
Why does everybody hate you, Mr President?

Kids say the funniest things was a British TV series that ran intermittently on ITV from September 2000, hosted by Michael Barrymore. It followed a format from the popular American series Kids say the darndest things aired on CBS from January 1998 to June 2000. In both instances, the real stars were the kids. The idea of the show is that the host would ask a question to a child (around the age of 3-8) who would respond in a “cute” or funny way. Allowing for editing, the cynics amongst us always suspected a bit of prompting; rigorously denied by all involved in the shows! Before these shows however, CBS ran Art Linkletter’s House Party, which ran for 27 years, and is reputed to have interviewed 23,000 children!


Here are a few favorites:

  • I believe you should live each day as if it is your last, which is why I don’t have any clean laundry because, face facts, who wants to wash clothes on the last day of their life?
  • Give me the strength to change the things I can, the grace to accept the things I cannot, and just once, a big win on the lottery!
  • Democracy is a good thing, except for that part about letting just anyone vote..
  • For centuries, people thought the moon was made of green cheese. Then the astronauts found that the moon is really a big hard rock. That’s what happens to cheese when you leave it out!
  • As you make your way through this hectic world of ours, set aside a few minutes each day. At the end of the year, you’ll have a couple of days saved up!
  • PARENT: If a kid isn’t a grown-up yet, what is an adult? (Possible answer: A grown-up kid..)                                                          PHOEBE: ”An adult is a grown-up that hasn’t died yet” !
  • What do we learn from Jesus’ miracle turning water into wine? The more wine, the better the wedding!
  • If we could just get everyone to close their eyes and visualize world peace for an hour, imagine how serene and quiet it would be.. ‘until the looting started’?..
  • Brittany had an earache and wanted a painkiller. She tried in vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her Mom explained it was a childproof cap and she’d have to open it for her. Eyes wide, the little girl asked: “How does it know it’s me?”
  • James was listening to a Bible story. His dad read: “The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city but his wife looked back and was turned to salt.” Concerned, James asked: “What happened to the flea?”
  • Complete the well-known saying:

Better to be safe than… punch a kid bigger than you

An idle mind is… the best way to relax

Where there’s smoke there’s … my dad’s car

You can lead a horse to water but… get off first!

The pen is mightier than the… pig

Happy the bride who… gets the most presents

A penny saved is… not much

Two’s company, three’s… the Musketeers! Therefore..

All for one… and all for me!

Don’t put off till tomorrow what… you put on to go to bed

None are so blind as… Stevie Wonder

Children should be seen and not…grounded

If at first you don’t succeed… give up

You only get out of something what you… saw on the box

When the blind lead the blind… get out of the way!

That hit the nail on the… caterpillar!

  • Classroom classicsAbe Lincoln

TEACHER:         ‘Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn’t have ten years ago’.
WINNIE:         Me!

TEACHER:         ‘Millie, give me a sentence starting with ‘ I. ‘
MILLIE:         ‘I is’..
TEACHER:         ‘No, Millie…. Always say, ‘I am.’’
MILLIE:         ‘All right… ‘I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.’’

TEACHER:         ‘George Washington not only chopped down his father’s cherry tree, but also admitted  it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn’t punish him?’
LOUIS:         ‘Because George still had the axe in his hand?’

TEACHER:    ‘Clyde, your homework on ‘My Dog’ is exactly the same as your brother’s. Did you copy his?’
CLYDE :         ‘No, miss. It’s about the same dog’.

TEACHER:         ‘Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?’
HAROLD:         ‘A teacher’

TEACHER:       ‘Sam, what is it like to be thick?’
SAM:              ‘I don’t know, but I think you’re going to tell us’..

TEACHER:      ‘What ended in 1918? ‘                                                                     DANNY: ‘1917?’

TEACHER:       ‘What is the capital of the United States of America?’                             MIKE:  ‘Gotham City?